Etiquette

Dame Edna Will Not Be Interrupted

Thoughtful, practical advice from the self-proclaimed "gigastar" of stage and screen, as she embarks on the North American leg of her latest farewell tour.

Photo by Craig Schwartz
Photo by Craig Schwartz

Way back in 1955, Australian comedian Barry Humphries created a colorful (purple, in particular) female alter-ego: the “gigastar and housewife” Dame Edna Everage.  The idea at the time was to amuse his fellow touring performers on trips between towns, but a few years later, Dame Edna had developed into a full-fledged stage phenomenon and embarked on her first international tour. Next came film cameos, television series, a Tony-winning stint on Broadway, two records, a “Vanity Fair” advice column, and her face on an Australian postage stamp. Now she’s on one final victory lap, called “Dame Edna’s Glorious Goodbye: The Farewell Tour,” which kicked off a six-city tour this month.

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Brendan Francis Newnam: Dame Edna, it is an honor to be here with you.

Rico Gagliano: Truly.

Dame Edna Everage: Well, hello, boys! It’s lovely to be on your program!

Rico Gagliano: We just feel blessed…

Dame Edna Everage: Well you are blessed. Because I do very little publicity… I don’t need to… and in fact, I don’t need to do these shows! I do them out of resentment.

Rico Gagliano: These farewell stage shows?

Brendan Francis Newnam: What do you resent?

Dame Edna Everage: Resentment that Mother Nature has not given me the strength to perform until I’m 100 years of age. But I just can’t keep on doing it!

Rico Gagliano: No, no. You’re 30 years old at this point, and it starts to take a toll.

Dame Edna Everage: No, don’t be sarcastic, please — we’ve only just met, Rico! Manners! This show is about good manners, isn’t it?

Brendan Francis Newnam: This portion is, yes.

Dame Edna Everage: I’m surprised you get viewers. I mean, what Americans are interested in good manners?

Rico Gagliano: None of them!

Dame Edna Everage: Incidentally listeners, I call you “viewers” because there are people — troubled people really — who watch the radio. They watch it, hoping someone like me will pop out! It’s sad, isn’t it.

Rico Gagliano: Yes.  So, your show hasn’t opened here yet, so we have not had a chance to see it. What do you have in store for us, and for America?

Dame Edna Everage: I have in store, really, a spiritual experience for people. There’s singing. There’s dancing, of course. I’m a well-known singer.  I’m a famous dancer. Well, in Melbourne, Australia anyway.

Rico Gagliano: And hey, once you’ve made it there…

Dame Edna Everage: …If you’ve made it there, Possums! Incidentally, I call my audience “Possums” —

Rico Gagliano: Yeah, why is that?

Dame Edna Everage: — Because, in Australia, they are very lovely, cuddly things. In America, they’re feral — again, they need a lesson in good manners.

Brendan Francis Newnam: So, you did another farewell tour in 2012 —

Dame Edna Everage: No, no!

Brendan Francis Newnam: — No?

Dame Edna Everage: No, I’m not one of those people like Barbra — oh, I shouldn’t mention her name — who keep touring “farewell” shows. No!  The last tour was to prepare the audience for a subsequent farewell tour.

Brendan and Rico: The penultimate goodbye tour!

Dame Edna Everage: “Penultimate!” That’s the word! Listeners, viewers, whatever category you’re in: I am in the presence of wordsmiths here. People who use the language.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Well Dame Edna, our possums have submitted questions for you. Etiquette questions. Are you ready to help answer them?

Dame Edna Everage: Why, certainly! Whenever I can help Americans! I love America. I should hasten to say, Brendan — and, to some extent, to say to you too, Rico — that America… not many people in the world know about you. The United States is one of the world’s best-kept secrets!

Rico Gagliano: I know, we’re a backwater.

Dame Edna Everage: They don’t know where it is! I have to tell people! I say, “Fly from Australia to Europe, and if you look down, that’s America.”

Rico Gagliano: Yes, but as more and more Australians come here, we’re rapidly gentrifying.

Dame Edna Everage: You are! You’ve got Cate Blanchett…

Brendan Francis Newnam: Nicole Kidman.

Dame Edna Everage: Of course! Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman.  We are dominating — Woody Allen — we are dominating the American entertainment world!

Brendan Francis Newnam: That famous Australian, Woody Allen.

Knock off the gum-chewing at work or a show

Rico Gagliano: All right, let’s get to some of these questions. Here is something from David Bolliet in Kalamazoo, Michigan.

Dame Edna Everage: Oh — David!

Rico Gagliano: David writes:

“In a meeting setting, how is one supposed to tactfully mention to the meeting attendees that finger-tapping/knuckle-cracking/ice-chewing/non-stop-pen-clicking are unpleasant distractions?” A lot of things bother David.

Dame Edna Everage: Well, they do. And you forgot to mention gum-chewing! When I’m on the stage — as I will be soon at the Ahmanson Theatre in Los Angeles, in case these boys forget to mention it — I look down, and I see slobs. People who don’t dress to go to a show. Wearing dirty trainers, track suits… The fact is, people need to dress and look nice for the theater.

And if they’re in a meeting… This chewing [gum] thing, you know where it comes from, don’t you?

Brendan Francis Newnam: Where does it come from?

Dame Edna Everage: The habit of Americans to chew comes because they were weaned too early. And they are nibbling on an invisible… breast, frankly.

Rico Gagliano: Wow, I’m never going to look at someone chewing gum the same way again.

Dame Edna Everage: That’s what they’re thinking in the back of their minds: They’ve got their Mummy leaning over them, and they are working away at her chest.  That’s why they chew!

Brendan Francis Newnam: So, Dame Edna, how is one supposed to get the people doing this in front of you to stop?

Dame Edna Everage: Look, what is wrong with honesty? Honesty! Just say, “Stop that at once or you’re out of this room, and out of a job!”

Rico Gagliano: What if David’s not the boss?

Dame Edna Everage: If he’s not the boss, well… I mean…

Brendan Francis Newnam: You probably can’t imagine it, can you Dame Edna.

Dame Edna Everage: …I can’t imagine not being in charge, that’s all.

Brendan Francis Newnam: So David, I think your answer is there, somewhere. Just tell them to knock it off, or they’ll lose their job.

Dame Edna Everage: Any more questions?

Brendan Francis Newnam: We do have more questions!

Dame Edna Everage: I’m in a mood! I need more questions!

For the quiet and interrupted (which Dame Edna certainly is not)

Brendan Francis Newnam: This question is from Becky Ayres from Cincinnati, Ohio. Becky writes:

“I’m a mid-level supervisor for an agency in the federal government. I’m also pretty soft-spoken at times. How do I correct people when I’m interrupted, without showing my obvious aggravation?”

Dame Edna Everage: Fall silent for a very, very long time.

Rico Gagliano: Have you ever done that?

Dame Edna Everage: No, I’ve never tried falling silent, because people never interrupt me!  And I’m not soft-spoken, or I couldn’t be heard in the back row of the beautiful Ahmanson Theatre in Los Angeles!

But… fall silent, or else: yawn. Yawn while they’re talking!  Yawn so they can actually glimpse your uvula. And I don’t think your uvula has been glimpsed often enough, Becky.

Rico Gagliano: Yes, speak up, Becky. And yawning is something you definitely will not see at Dame Edna’s farewell tour —

Dame Edna Everage: No, you won’t!

Brendan Francis Newnam: Oh, you’re having a tour, Dame Edna?

Dame Edna Everage: I am! I’m going from —

Brendan Francis Newnam: Oh, we’re out of time! We can’t hear where the show is taking place, we’re running out of time, but thank you!

Dame Edna Everage: Oh, thank you for tricking me!! Tricking me into coming on this show and not advertising my tour!

Rico Gagliano: Not nearly enough.

Dame Edna Everage: No, but thank you very much, little Rico and Brendan, for having us at your place.